Sailor Jupiter in the Squared Circle
by D.F. Pendrys
Summary: Another Sailor Business inspired parody fic set during the events of "The Past Returns" This is also partly a WCW crossover fic...so enjoy. Dub universe.


While true that the Sailor Scouts had been flung to the Moon to have a nice chat with Queen Serenity, they all found themselves taking detours on the way back to their confrontation with Malachite in the frozen cave.

Sailor Jupiter awoke groggily to find herself laying prone amidst five interlocking rings embedded in the ground. To her shock water shot upward hitting from her all sides. She bolted up and fled the fountain looking back in surprise and cursing as she was now drenched.

"This isn't Tokyo," she realized. She noticed a man in a white suit was standing nearby. He looked her over in surprise and then reached into his pocket and pulled out a bottle of Coca-Cola. From his other pocket he retrieved a hand towel and gave it to her. She accepted both with a bow.

"Thank you," She said in Japanese.

"Ah, that sounds Japanese," the man replied in English. "We dun get a lotta of the Japanese in here. Not since the Olympics anyway. Do you speak English?"  
She shook her head since she didn't know what he was saying and dried herself off before chugging down the Coca-Cola.

"Welp I don't know how to talk to ya so I must be off I reckon. I've got an interview at Cartoon Network. We're making a new show that only uses three frames of animation. It's going to be great!"

Jupiter looked at him with a complete lack of understanding, which she likely would have had even if she knew English. He waved and departed and he started walking through Centennial Olympic Park still oblivious to where she was until she finally saw an "Atlanta 1996" logo embedded in a wall.

"Atlanta...I'm in Atlanta...how the fuck?" she muttered. She pulled out her communicator but encountered only static.

"Of course...maybe I can get a Delta flight back," she mused. "With what money?"

Jupiter wandered the streets aimlessly until she noted a large strangely designed brown building. It had strange bumps protruding from it and looked like a mess of architecture. She drew closer to it as a crowd had gathered outside. She made out a sign that said "The Omni" and determined this was the terribly ugly building in front of her. As she walked a large bulky man slid in front of her.

"Nice outfit sweet lips," he said.

She could tell he was being an ass, but not what he was saying and she moved to pass him. He blocked her.

"You don't want my compliments? What's wrong with you?" he growled.

She didn't hesitate and punched him in the gut before delivering an uppercut. The man staggered back but charged at her. Jupiter dodged and flung him over her. He crashed into the ground hard and didn't rise again. Most of the crowd began to clap. She sighed and kept moving though contemplated fleeing when two suited figures hurried towards her.

"Uh oh..." she said.

"Come with us!" they shouted flashing security badges. She took a defensive stance and contemplated battling them, but instead relented and followed them into the building. They brought her down a corridor and put her in front of an old man with a mustache.

"She the one?" he asked. They nodded.

"Hi ya I'm Ted," he said.

She shook her head.

"What do you want?" she asked in Japanese.

"Oh crap she speaks Japanese," Ted said. "Liger get over here!"

From behind a curtain emerged Jushin Thunder Liger who was a masked horned superstar from the world of Japanese wrestling.

"Translate for me will ya?" Ted asked.

"Hai," Liger said.

"Hi ya Liger," Ted replied

Liger sighed at Ted's foolishness.

"Who are you?" Jushin Thunder Liger asked Jupiter.

"I am Sailor Jupiter."  
"I am Jushin Thunder Liger."  
"I saw you wrestle at the Egg Dome! You were awesome!" Jupiter exclaimed.

"Thank you," Liger responded. "This is Ted Turner, he runs WCW."  
"WCW?" Jupiter asked.  
"World Championship Wrestling. He wishes to speak with you."  
"Sure, tell him 'hello, I'm Sailor Jupiter' please."  
Liger did so.

"Sailor Jupiter? No no that name won't work at all. We're going to call you. MAKOTO!" Ted said.

Liger translated.

"Makoto? What kind of name is that?" the dubbed Sailor Jupiter sneered.  
"We don't have any more time," Ted said. "Lex Luger accidentally hit Sting with his car, we need you to substitute in the main event."  
Liger translated.

"ME? Wrestle?" Sailor Jupiter asked. "Hell yeah!"

Three minutes later she was emerging from a curtain as the theme to _2001: A Space Odyssey_ played. She could hear the announcers off to the side of her as she walked.

"Brain, fans here tonight are in for a treat," Tony Schiavone was saying.  
"You bet Schiavone. A new wrestler, tough as nails! I like her spunk. But why did they give her Flair's entrance music?" Bobby "The Brain" Heenan responded.

"Couldn't tell you," Schiavone responded.

Jupiter made it down the entry aisle and entered the ring getting a surprising number of cheers from the crowd as she did.

The curtain opened again and out came Dusty Rhodes in a large black outfit adorned with yellow polka dot. He lumbered to the ring as Jupiter looked at him in surprise.

"I'm gonna give ya a whupping, just like I gave to every tree in my yard! This is dubya cee dubya! Where the big boys play! Yee hah!" he yelled.

Jupiter tensed and readied herself.

Meanwhile in the front row Turner sat.

"This is a great match isn't it Jed?"  
"Yes Mister Turner," Jed said from beside him adjusting his glasses.

Excellent. Jed thought. Humans love pro wrestling, and when the fight reaches its climax, I will draw out all the energy...and return to Queen Beryl triumphant after escaping eternal sleep.

"So Jed, do you think I'm doing the right thing with CNN?" Ted asked.

"Sure sure, whatever. People love news all the time, it can't fail," Jed said.

"Yeah that Wolf Blitzer, he's a hottie," Ted responded.

"Ehhhh," Jed said.

The bell rung.

"I'm gunna pound ya with my pounding fist y'all," Dusty Rhodes shouted.

"Um...Jupiter Thunder Crash..." Jupiter responded and blasted Rhodes into the fourth row. The crowd all looked at each other in surprise as "The American Dream" lay passed out on the seats.

'Uh...ECW? ECW!? ECW!?" the crowd all shouted making a reference.

"NO NO NO!" Ted shouted and stood up with a fire extinguisher. He rushed at the fans and blasted them.

Jupiter stood in the ring triumphant. Jed stood quickly.

"Now to make my move..." he said only to be interrupted by a strange bit of rock music. From the curtains emerged twelve guys in black and white t-shirts that read. "nWo."  
"What..." he muttered.

Jupiter turned towards the new arrivals. They all clambered into the ring and spent fourteen minutes just walking around. She waited patiently, and then attacked yet again, watching as the entire New World Order was flung into the tenth row now by a well placed thunder attack. Liger ran to the ring.

"You're amazing!" he shouted. "The power of thunder is awesome!"

"I'm going to blast you to another dimension!" Jed shouted from the seats drawing energy into his hand.

"Watch out!" Liger shouted leaping at Jed and into the path of the energy attack.

"NOOOO!" Jupiter shouted and vanished getting sucked back into the magical weird ass rift that Malachite had created. She flew back and soon found herself in the cave beside the other scouts.

"Uh...sooo weird..." she said.

Malachite glared at them and the battle began.

SAILOR MOON SAYS

LITA: Today I had a really tough fight against an old man in an unfamiliar place, but I used my magic powers to hurt him really badly.

MINA: Wait...is there a moral here?

LITA: Never give up, even when you're not sure what to do, you can always use your special powers.

REI: But he was just this guy...

AMY: Technically given his age the likelihood that he would have avoided injury is very low given the trajectory and distance traveled.

LITA: GUYS! WHAT THE FUCK?

SERENA: The important thing is that Lita faced adversity and overcame it and then she beat up the nWo because they are such a waste of time. That Jushin Thunder Liger is a hunk, I wonder what he looks like under the mask.

LUNA: Get a hold of yourself, Lita really went too far!

LITA: Ya know what. I'm out of here. Ted told me I could make millions and all I have to do is team with the Macho Man to fight Ric Flair and Arn Anderson at Starrcade. Screw you guys!

SERENA: Woah not cool Lita, not cool. Sailor Moon Says!


End file.
